Love Blog

To: Jennifer

To any readers of the posts I made over the last week or so, they may have noticed the stark drop off since last Friday.  Well, in my initial post I said that I would give this blog site a chance, and leave later if I believed necessary.  Anyway, for numerous reasons, I now believe that necessary.


I am not sure if my posts accomplished anything at all.  Looking at the statistics, some entries were more popular than others; and it seems I was never able to finish or get to telling my complete story.  I have no regrets over that, and much preferred to think that some words in here may have been helpful or insightful to others, as suggested by my lone commenter.


In short, I don't believe I shall continue along this webpage, preferring to rather forget some matters at the moment rather than share them.  In time will I return?  That is doubtful, but these are uncertain times in which we live...


Thanks to anyone that listened....



-Rob

What is love that when you taste it you can't live without it? Why do I love him so? I should forget about him. And forget his kindness his soft voice whispering in my ear, his long fingers caressing me, his kisses that make my legs go weak, his lovemaking that leaves me wanting more.

The saddest thing is, he doesn't feel the same way that I do. His feelings of guilt prevent him from loving me. He did once love me with a passion, he is afraid to love me again the same way.

Psychologists have studied love and relationships for decades, and have made many observations about them.  Based on much of their learning, I have observed many such pressures and concerns that weigh down on me, and have been able to identify them as they arise.  I suspect, that if everyone better knew about themselves, that they'd be more able and ready to grow and learn about someone else.  Here, I will discuss just a few topics, and then offer some insight to them.


1.  Does mutual love really exist? 
Typically, one person is attracted to another, and that other person is neutral initially, but eventually relents if a relationship is to develop.  Some cynics have said that what has happened in essence is that the pursuer has brainwashed the pursuee to get his/her way.  This is not necessarily a matter of coercion or mind control, rather subtle efforts made to change that person's initial assessment to come around to the other person's state of mind.  As such, many have postulated that love doesn't really exist, not in the way as portrayed in novels and films.  Rather, one person is in love, and the other person opts to settle for that person's affection, perhaps developing feelings for that person in time.


If this is true, I have often wondered which person it is better to be?  Would it be better to be the person hopelessly devoted and enamored with the other person, but fear that perhaps your partner doesn't care as deeply for you as you do for him/her.  Or is it better to have a partner that is head over heels in love with you, yet you never feel that burning fire as greatly as they might?  I do not have an answer for that question, but having seen these forces at play, have much prefered the role of being the one hopelessly in love with the other person; for it is the only way that I have ever felt strongly committed and alive with passion for the other person...even if it has never worked out as I had hoped.


The idea of mutual attraction and love is supported by evolutionary theory, in which, mating partners would be more apt to reproduce and ensure the survival of their offspring with committed parents that feel some sense of duty toward the family unit.  However, society seems to have jaded most people into thinking that little more matters than fleeting emotional desires, that can and often do wane over time.  I leave this point with no real answer, only point it out to readers to ponder as they wish.  Do you believe in it or not, and why or why not? 

2.  Love Shy-ness

Here is another topic many will have some experience with, even if they never heard of it before.  Everyone can get feelings of nervousness or anxiety when preparing for a date or asking someone else out.  This is completely normal, and can be shown on multiple levels from stressing about what to wear, where to go, what to say, or whatever else one can find a reason to induce some panic into their lives.  However, for some people, there is an overwhelming fear leaving them almost unable to get past some of these fears, that it leaves them rather reclusive by nature.


Now, a love-shy woman has less to fear in this, for she can always wait for some more assertive man to pursue her.  However, for the love-shy male, there is little that can be done, for society almost seems to expect the man to take the first steps in almost all cases in pursuing a relationship.  These men live petrified at approaching and talking to those they are interested in, and eventually shut that part of their lives down.  You may or likely have known guys like this in the past, those that seem to never make the first move, and if you happen to know someone like this, find a way to help that person out.  Shyness is never a good thing, and it is horrible knowing that there are some in this world that live lonely lives because they are incapable of adequately asserting themselves to others.


3.  Love Styles

Studies show 6 different love styles that a person's mind can take, and while people may show their behavior along several of them, they typically unconsciously favor one model over the others.  These groups are: erotic, ludic, storge, manic, pragma, and agape. 

An erotic lover, named after Eros, the Greek God of Beauty, is one that loves beautiful objects/people.  Their love is typically quite self-centered, but very passionate, and is entirely based on chemistry.  These people are the ones that most believe in love at first sight, but their affection can be fleeting as their interests turn toward a new object of beauty that passes by later.


The ludic lover, from the Latin word "ludus" for game, are those that see love as a big game for their own enjoyment.  These people are those that make conquests of their targets, and as such are amongst the most likely to have multiple partners or affairs. 

Those that belong in storge are those that start a relationship as being friends first, ones that gradually develop overtime to incorporate feelings of love.  In time, their lovers are also their best friends, and while some say that these lovers are perhaps lacking in passion and excitement, they are typically amongst the most devoted and faithful of the love styles.


Manic lovers, like the name suggests, are those that can lose their minds and even become obsessive over their object of desire.  Certainly very intense and passionate, this can in extreme cases go to the point of being demented, suffocating, and dangerous (see: Fatal Attraction).  Manic lovers typically have low self-esteem, and value themselves only through their time with their partners.


Your pragmatic lover is one that approaches love in a logical fashion, using more thought than passion in arriving at a selection.  In this person's mind, they hold a shopping list of sorts, of all the qualities they are looking for in their love interest, they then set out about to find a person that best fits that criteria.  While very practical, some criticize it for its lack of being emotional.


The last category is agape, and agapic lovers are those that are very selfless in their love, putting the needs and desires of their partner over their own.  Some have said this is similar to the type of love a mother and child share or akin to the bond between a devout worshipper and his/her God.  They tend to see their partner as being perfect in most attributes, and are very generous towards them.  The clear disadvantage is that often this person's needs are not met, and their self-sacrificing nature often weighs down on that person's ability to maintain a relationship. 

Based on the descriptions listed, and the topics discussed in this post, which issues do you feel apply to you or those that you know?  Does having any of this described help you see something that perhaps you did not see before?  And if so, has it helped you understand perhaps why people behave as they do?  If any good can come from such a brief limited discussion, I am happy to have provided it.  Please look into these issues or others more deeply if these topics interests you...

I love this guy..

With hits diminishing, and no comments, I am leaning toward winding up these posts in the very near future.  However, for those that may wish to hear more, I will try to continue as best as I can for the time being...


Intervening Years:

Most women will at one time or another come to the conclusion that most men are a bunch of childish jerks (you may fill in a more colorful term of your choosing here).  I am not going to say that it is not undeserved, but I will note that there is likely a great deal of frustration and confusion between both sexes in this regard, with neither side being completely correct.  However, as part of a mea culpa, I will now relate some of the more unsavory acts I have taken, part that many would feel left me with a bad karma, if anyone happens to believe in such superstitious nonsense.


The first woman I was ever cruel to in any fashion, had to have been my prom date as described before.  Upset with actions on her part, I would devise subtle ways to slyly hurt her, and thus force her away from me.  I cannot say that I am proud of such actions, but I was young, and felt that I was merely getting even.  I thus stood her up at least once, and made points of expressing my lack of interest in her quite openly, with little regard as to how it might be recieved.  Never one to hold back, she responded in kind, with several tricks of her own, often designed to try to hurt me.  This would go on for a few years, since she went to the same college I went to, and seemed to make a point of shadowing me in a few classes looking for opportunities.  Does it really matter which side is right in such a silly tug-of-war?  Aren't both sides equally foolish and wrong, and aren't both sides losing so long as such a conflict exists?  Well, I do not recall who would have fired the last shot, but after several volleys back and forth, it eventually came to appear a frivolous enterprise, that was mutually abandoned.  We parted as friends miraculously enough, likely both being slightly embarrassed over some of the actions we had taken against the other.


In the meantime, I often found myself attracted to younger people at work.  They seemed to be free of the stress and pressures of life, and had an energy that made them seem more desirable.  However, my experiences in the past left me unwilling or perhaps unable to commit to any of them.  These would be fleeting little crushes at best, with little depth or emotional bonding between anyone, and mostly a flirtatious adventure amounting to nothing.  Part of this time in my life might be attributed to keeping up appearances, in that now having risen to a place of stature at my workplace, it felt empowering to be able to do as I wish, when I wished, and leave unaffected by any emotional entanglements.  I suspect during this time I was fairly greedy and self-absorbed, and like many other men, clearly not ready or deserving to find any lasting love.


By my final semester during college, some took concern with my cavalier attitude toward life.  I was thus encouraged by an employee working under me to take out a friend of hers who had been harboring a crush on me for sometime.  I reluctantly agreed.  I did so to some effect after the encouragement of several around me that I ought to do it, since at this time it had been some time since I had seen anyone socially.  However, I was hesitant to do this because I knew that for this person they wanted something to be serious, whereas for me, I knew before it started that there was no future to be had here.  I wound up relenting, and I did my best to put my best foot forward, impressing her greatly by treating her to things she had never enjoyed before that night such as dinner at a fancy restaurant, but likely wound up leading her on as a result.  Why did I act in such a way?  Mostly because I wished to show off, I knew that news of this night was bound to circulate the waves of gossip at the theater, and I used connections where I had them to maximize my image to the best of my ability.  I knew that I had ultimately led her to believe that I was likely more interested than I actually was, and thus had to dodge her for the next few months to come.  Before I am branded a villian by any readers out there, I stopped short of taking advantage of her feelings for me, and ultimately learned the value of being honest with others because of this (See prior entry "Part 2")


In the years that followed, I often looked in all the wrong places to try to find happiness.  Sometimes searching out people that were complete opposites of myself, other times searching out those that I felt were incapable of rejecting me to put it politely.  In none of these situations was I ever able to find anything meaningful, and as one could expect, it never lasted long or amounted to much.  During this time, despite my having grown past being so self-centered, I found myself overly picky, and rejected a few others that developed feelings for me, largely feeling nothing as a result of it.  I would later come to empathize with these people greatly, but at this point in my life, felt little more than pity or annoyed by their affection for me.  Wishing to be free of others, I ultimately got that wish, being cursed with that for a great deal of time.


Now, a great deal of the male psyche involves the idea of wanting to feel needed, of being useful.  We all know that the days of male dominance in hunting to find food for the family unit are properly discarded into history's dust bin, but that does not change this primal desire to want to feel that our time and labor is valued, and that at the end of the day, our efforts have been both productive and appreciated.  For me, this all became apparent when about four years ago, I left work completely.  I now had little else to do with my time, but spent it contemplating returning to school to seek a different career path.  Stripped of that structure and power apparatus around me, it left me feeling rather diminished in value.  


In the end, I would end up going to law school, and living off of what money I had managed to save over the years.  It became quite depressing watching this value slowly get eaten away by living expenses, and I sought measures to save money where I could.  However, this lifestyle left me quite reclusive, and perhaps at a lower low than I had ever previously known or believed possible.  My entire life seemed to be on hold, delayed if you will, until I re-emerged with a degree in hand to reclaim it.  I was perfectly fine with that, but sometimes, things do not always go according to plan, and in the next chapter if I write it, I will get to what brought me to this website to begin with, where it all went wrong.


-Rob 

Why Do I Love You So Much?

The title for this part is taken from a quote by the Roman philosopher Seneca the Younger, and while he likely meant it as a means of telling the world that all frauds and deceits are eventually revealed for what they are, I have taken it here to show that in my life, I have discovered truth myself.  By that, I mean that there was once a time in which I placed little importance on the practical necessity to be completely honest with others, and thus felt little to no guilt about lying or misleading people in one regard or another.  However, we all grow up, and some of us learn the value of being completely honest with others, and that is something I have aspired to do.


I did not come naturally upon this moral maxim, and still often feel the need to tell the harmless, white lies to spare the feelings of others.  However, it was sometime later in my story when after having been set up on a date by a co-worker, I delivered the classic male ending line of all time, telling her that I had a good time and would give her a call sometime.  Of course, I had absolutely no intention of doing that, and thus had to endure questions and subtle attempts by her inquiring as to when or if I planned to see her again.  In short, it seemed that my lie had made it easy for me at the moment, that it exacted a price that I had to pay later on.  Perhaps proving the old saying: "A lie may take care of the present, but it has no future." 


Now, before anyone starts to assume that my desire to tell the truth is solely to spare myself the hassle of having to deal with others, it has much more to do with not leading another person on.  It seems to me now that the better way to have ended that evening was to simply compliment her for a night out, and wish her well, with no mention or illusion that anything else was to come of it.  I have heard others say they have waited for some guy or girl to call when they said they would, seemingly losing their mind when that call never comes, and really...why should anyone put another person through that kind of agony?  So, with that in my mind, I have largely adhered to this policy of complete and unapologetic honesty with those that I have seen socially, and it has had mixed results at best.


I suppose the greatest difficulty in telling the truth all the time, is that eventually the other person runs the risk of learning something that they'd rather not hear.  See, for me, once I have decided to be honest, it is a means of me showing some degree of a respect, committment, or even fidelity to the other person.  I would have hoped that others could have observed that and understood it themselves, but it seems that this value is lost on many.  I suspect some people reading this are probably thinking that in such situations, the fault likely lies with myself for having been too forthcoming, but that is just really not the issue here.  By nature, I am a rather private person (odd I know to say that whilst writing a blog with so many personal details) and as such, I typically refrain from divulging personal information until it is asked about. 

Anyway, in my experiences, has being honest with women worked out well for me?  Well, somewhat I suppose.  When reviewing instances where I have been honest and it hasn't ended in disaster, I don't believe it was ever fully appreciated in the way that I think it ought to have been.  However, in my mind, it would have been far, far worse to have been deceitful, manipulative, and dishonest than have taken the course that I did.  One problem I have with when something doesn't work out well for me, is that I tend to fix the blame onto myself, and with my desire to trying to tell only the truth, I have at many times reflected that perhaps things would have been different had I only not said or revealed something at that particular time.


This is perhaps shown mostly in a recent episode of mine, in which I am at a loss to find an explanation as to why my affections were so easily dismissed and rejected by another.  In this case, things had seemed to be working out fairly well, up until I suppose she asked how old I actually was.  Most people have always said that I look younger than my age suggests, and I have often enjoyed that feeling even if it is still sometimes embarrassing being asked for identification at a bar.  However, when she learned that I was seven years older than her, that I believe was something that just could not be overcome in her mind.


Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps it was something else altogether that skewed this into a different direction, I really do not know, for she never told me why.  All I know is that when asked, I did as I felt I had to do, and I told the truth.  I easily could have lied, and likely would have gotten away with it.  But for how long?  Time discovers truth, and in time, my deception would have been exposed. 

Despite the risks and possible bad outcomes, my advice to any readers is to do as I do, tell the truth.  If you fall in love with another person, and you want that person to love you...then tell the truth.  Don't pretend to be someone else, be yourself and apologize to no one for it.  While some may fear honesty, and believe that it comes at too high of a cost, in my mind, it is the only fair thing to do, for everyone involved.


As always, any comments would be welcome...though I doubt I'll get any.


-Rob

Having reviewed my past posts, in my opinion, those telling "my story" are painfully boring, but since they happen to give context to issues I may wish to discuss, and I promised to continue it, I shall...


Summer 1997


I loved most of my senior year, for I finally was experiencing feelings that I never really knew existed.  When it came time to go to the prom, I was unable to take Diane having already promised to take a friend instead.  That made the night somewhat awkward for me, and in time, I came to be suspicious and even resentful that my prom date seemed to take pleasure in trying to drive me away from Diane.  This would start a bit of a tit-for-tat game in which we were cruel to one another over the next few years, but that is a different story than the one involving the first REAL love of my life, Diane.


By the time I graduated high school, I was completely smitten.  I would talk on the phone for hours with her, I went about trying to find an extra ticket to my graduation so she could attend it, I would pay a friend of mine some money for gasolene so he'd be willing to drive to pick her up, and I took whatever excuses I could find to spend time with her.  Of course, my folly in this is that we were rarely ever alone; so I was never able to fully convey my true feelings to her at this time, often mindful of the constant audience around us.  Even still, we spent many days together, and the summer was a time of bliss for me.


Of course, then school started up.  As I said, I was now in college and she was just a sophomore.  Despite that age difference, I didn't care what anyone else may have thought or said at the time.  Naturally, I feared that the constraints on my schedule with school and work would cut into my ability to see her as often as either of us would have liked, but I tried to remedy that by calling her at any chance I got.  Of course, phone contact is a poor substitute, and we were on a trajectory of slowly drifting apart.  However, that is not the complete reason as to why things ultimately came to a close.


For matters that pertain to others that I do not wish to divulge for the sake of their privacy, there became a motive for all parties to distance themselves from their former high school lives.  Some friends and families found it far too embarrassing to still be connected and reminded of such matters, and for pride seemed to voluntarily separate from each other.  In this fashion, it seems to follow a bit of the tale of Romeo & Juliet, where while Diane was not born a Capulet per se, she certainly had far more connections to that household than to mine, the Montagues.  What was I to do?  Family told me to go away, love told me to stay.  Well, I like to think that I am a very logical person by nature, and in the balance of it all, it seemed to say that it was best for all for me to make a departure.


So, I gradually started to remove myself from the picture.  She did much of the same, probably sensing the same external forces pulling at us.  The phone calls became fewer and fewer, and in time she began entertaining the idea of seeing someone else, to which I made no overt objection.  It all came to an end on Halloween of that year, which was the last time I spoke with her for several years to come, and as I recall, even then I was unable to give a proper goodbye.  I carried a lot of regrets for my actions in this time period, and I let those burden me for years to come.


I would spend the next few years hardly taking an interest in other women, and even when I did, never feeling anything serious about them.  I knew that part of me was still in love or at least greatly affected by my time with Diane, and as such, could never commit to anyone else throughout most of my college years.  When I saw someone else in that time, I'd soon come to the conclusion that if it wasn't genuine for me, that it wasn't fair to continue for her.  Despite my obvious lingering affection for Diane, I felt paralyzed to do anything about it.  There was a time or two in which I would call her house, and either be glad no one answered or unable to speak if someone did.  Tortured and alone, I took most of this time trying to figure out how to deal with such matters.  As you may be able to observe from these posts, I happen to be a fairly intelligent person in many areas, but am virtually clueless when it comes to matters of the heart.


Like an open wound, I existed, not really alive or dead, just existing in a state of indifference.  Days passed into weeks which passed into months and eventually years, and I was never happy at all during any of it.  I know most would say I should have just either gotten over it or tried to make my feelings known, but I was unable to do either.  Whenever I saw her after things had ended like this, I would sometimes try to avoid her, or at other times feel that I had to approach her.  Even still, on these occassions it amounted to little more than the usual pleasantries, and I would thus leave her again without having said anything of consequence to her.  I can honestly say that this experience devastated me for a long period of time, with self-doubts and wondering what I should have done differently at the forefront of my mind.  Perhaps the biggest mystery of all this, is if she mattered so much to me at the time, why was it that I just let it slip away without a fight?  I still don't have a good answer for that, but I know that much of this has haunted me for the better half of a decade. 

In the next Chapter, I'll advance the timeline about 3-4 years when I first started to emerge from this, being mostly free of the past. 

-Rob

In hopes of generating an audience, I now delve into my personal story dealing with issues of love and relationships.  While I plan to intermingle posts such as these that recount my experiences (typically to be labeled with a Chapter in the title) with other posts like my previous posts (typically labeled with a "Part" in the title) that are more theoretical in nature, it is my sincerest desire to start a conversation with anyone that may happen to be reading these entries.  So please, if you find anything in my posts worthwhile for this website, please leave a comment and I shall continue.  As always, I value your time and consideration for listening to my story, and would be ecstatic to hear back from you.


Early Years


I recall my first "love" so to speak coming when I was in Kindergarten.  Since I can hear the collective waves of yawns across the internet from here, I'll spare you the time to just admit up front that many of us had innocent child-like crushes at a young age.  For me, it was simply having a friend who happened to be a girl for the first time.   However, this is not the love that actually concerns me here, for that would come much later.

  Of course, years passed by, and this was just a distant memory.  Throughout the rest of my childhood, there is little to say.  That is, until I reached Middle School, and became aware of a classmate taking a fancy to me.  Of course, women at this age develop faster than the boys around them, and so I thought little of it, prefering instead to concentrate my time on school, my friends, and whichever video games happened to be popular in the day.  It was later on that it dawned on me that I was missing out on something, and by then it was too late to salvage it.  We went onto different paths, with me placed into the college preparatory classes and her in a different crowd.  In time, we rarely ever saw each other, and ran in completely different circles during high school.


My time in high school can best be described as mostly dull.  See, many others around me had advanced through puberty at a faster pace than I had, and I was not the most athletically inclined pupil there.  Largely, this left me feeling somewhat inferior to others; believing girls around me to prefer the conformity of the masses to someone like myself.  However, I did not dwell in loneliness, instead I used this time to study hard and make the most of my time there.  This all changed by my senior year, when I was thrown for something I absolutely had never prepared myself for.


As far as I am concerned, I met her on December 4, 1996; when frustrated with issues at my part-time job and experiencing writer's block for my AP English course, I decided to take a break and go by the high school.  That night happened there happened to be some gathering for parents and students, one which I had been asked to help organized since I had participated in prior years but opted not to this year due to scheduling constraints.  Anyway, there I was, in a sour mood at best, observing what the underclassmen had made of the activity; when a freshman(woman?) came up to me with her best friend.  I vaguely knew her since she was the younger sister of a friend of mine, but had never met her friend before, (I'll call her Diane in interests of preserving anonymity).  I spent the night with both of them, giving little thought to anything, but they managed to help lift my spirits.


A few months later, it became more common for me to occassionally spend time with either of them or their friends.  Again, I had little inclination to pursue anything romantically here, but playfully would tease them or play practical jokes on them and so forth.  Then one day, it hit me, I had learned Diane had a huge crush on me.  I can still remember being blown away at that moment, for this was the first time that I really was in a position to do anything about such an affair, and I had long been far too dismissive over my chances with women.  I of course now doubled my efforts to spend as much time as possible with Diane, looking for any excuse to see her and include her and her friends along with whatever shenanigans my senior friends were up to.


This story is posted amongst the page for Sad Stories, for it of course has a sad ending, as I suspect most love stories do.  I shall continue with how this wound up in my next post, but the first half posted here covers the state of affairs throughout most my senior year.  It would all unravel by the end of the summer, but for these short, intense months, I first felt and experienced joy and happiness.  I would watch it all slip away...


-Rob

After seeing 29 hits on my introductory blog entry, I feel that perhaps I have enough of an audience to proceed in telling my story.  For any newcomers that may have stumbled onto this posting without having read the first, just take note that by telling my personal tale of love and loss that I hope that I and others can learn and grow from it.


Thus, I have decided that perhaps the best place to start is to probe the veracity of that old adage that nice guys finish last.  The logic of it is that no matter how often a woman says that she actually would like to have a relationship with someone that is respectful, mature, kind, polite, and in all other respects, a "nice" guy.  That in truth, she actually prefers the stereotypical bad boy type, a macho man that may seem crude, childish, unattentive, and interested mostly in sex for his own gratification.  I am sure that most people have an opinion one way or another on this myth so to speak, and now I shall offer my own, as well as possible theories to back it up.


In my experience, I have been pursuing women in some capacity or another now for about 15-18 years or so, since early high school anyway.  In all that time, my up-bringing taught me to take the role of the nice guy, and indeed, it has served me well in numerous professional settings.  In the workplace, the world is no longer a boy's club, and diverse settings demands that we not only show respect for our colleagues, but also condemn behavior that might seem sexist or rude.  So, my environment has consistently shaped my attitude, and as such, I am very much your typical "nice" guy.  I don't smoke and only rarely drink to excess.  I have three degrees from higher education, and despite my familiarity with numerous subjects, I still tend to listen more than lecture to those I happen to be around, always more interested in the feelings and beliefs of others than merely hearing myself rattle off my own thoughts.  I don't curse nor am I prone to anger, and my calm, intellectual demeanor may appear somewhat cool to others, but that is the model that seems favored in professional settings.


Anyway, how have I fared against other male competitors that take the bad boy approach?  Not all that well, which is humbling to say, but an observation nonetheless.  Furthermore, before anyone writes this off as being personal pessimism, I've noted that others that happen to be nice guys also seem to lose out to the more crass macho manly types.  Why is this?  I mean, why is it that society and generations of movement toward feminism and equality between the sexes still somehow miss the psychological desires of the modern woman?  Do they all say that they wish to be with nice guys because that is what is expected of them?  Does that seem to be the correct answer, thus is freely given, whilst they secretly harbor desires to be in the old-fashioned male dominated type relationships of centuries past?  I can't quite say for sure about all women, and this probably does not apply to all women.  However, there is likely a good percentage of women out there that do crave the bad boy type of man, regardless if they claim to seek out the nice guy.


My theory as to why women may act this way comes down largely to an excitement gap.  That is, I would suspect that women seem to think that nice guys are more boring, more reserved in making their attraction known, and that in the desire to be respectful to women, the nice guy as a result can sometimes find himself being too respectful so as not to communicate his true desires.  Meanwhile, the bad boy types have no problem making crude sexual advances, and easily make their attraction and intentions known.  I imagine such behavior would make those women feel desirable and attractive, even if in truth the bad boy type is only out for self-gratification.  This makes the bad boy an easier person to be around, and with his overt actions signaling his desires, women are apt to find a relationship with such a man to be exciting.   


I also suspect that since largely society still has left women in the more submissive role to their male counterparts, that many women are attracted to men that can exude such confidence and have a take-charge attitude in life.  Women happen to be submissive not because they are inferior, but rather because they are brought up being told that men are the initiators of relationships.  That paradigm is largely still true today, with most initial moves seeking a relationship largely falling onto men having to be the ones to ask the woman out.  Many nice guys, such as myself, tend to be quite shy and insecure about how advances might be perceived, and as such, we tend not to have that strong sense of confidence on initial meetings or when asking someone else out.   


So, that brings us to the question, do nice guys really finish last?  Well, as I noted above, my experience would suggest so.  However, that approach is really limited to reviewing the dating lifestyles of a nice guy from about the ages of 15-30.  Women, or should I call them girls, in this age bracket are much more apt to overlook the nice and safe guy that their mothers would probably like them to date in favor of the more exciting prospects of a bad boy that will not win such parental approval, and offer plenty of validation of the woman's attractiveness based upon their obvious signs of sexual interest.  While it is easy me to speak of this subject based on theories and observations of others, it is somewhat humbling to comment upon my own lack of success in such a blog, but perhaps that is the best way forward for me at this point.


As I noted in my previous posting on this website, I happen to be 30 years old.  I would describe myself as an average guy in appearance, about 5'9" and about 150-160 lbs.  When I finish law school this May, I will have 3 degrees under my name, and with some luck, the promise of what I hope to be a lucrative career before me.  Despite these apparent assets to my credit, I have yet to have had any lasting long-term relationship.  I never though much about myself to be so disqualifying, but is it possible that having played the role of a modern, respectful, and attentive male has diminished my opportunities for happiness?  I really don't have an answer for this, but by knowing where I happen to be coming from, you may be able to better relate to the ideas I have put forth in this blog.  My advice to any ladies reading this that know of nice guys that may have taken an interest in you in the past, present, or future would be to really, really give those guys a shot.  I suspect that you'd find it more fulfilling than a meaningless thrill ride with some macho jerk.  If you happen to find such men too dull or unexpressive of their true emotions...look past that to find the ways that should make it exciting for you.  For a person such as myself, I would hope that a woman would find my nervous, tongue-tied nature around them to be a sign of my feelings and desires to be with them, for by nature I happen to be quite at ease with using language effectively.  So when my mental faculites are impaired by a woman that I am attracted to, that to me is a signal of my state of mind, and one that if noticed by another, I would hope would be exciting enough to warrant a chance at a relationship.


I'll close on a note of optimism.  While I fully believe that most the women that I have taken an interest in have likely found me to be somewhat unexciting compared to the typical bad boys that may also have been available, I suspect that women in this age bracket are mainly out to have fun for themselves.  That is, a follow-up view on my theory of the excitement gap is that at some point, women either smarten up or decide that they wish to settle down with someone more caring and compassionate.  That is, they may ultimately turn to look to nice guys as those they wish to marry.  This too is also supported by observations I have made of my married friends, all of whom I would characterize as being "nice" guys...even if a few of them are perhaps reformed "bad boys."  So, while it seems to me that nice guys may finish last, the race seems far from over to be conclusive on that point altogether.  Please post any thoughts, comments, or personal stories that may either support or refute the ideas presented here.  I'd love to hear from others on this.


-Rob

What happens when you realise that you are in love with someone you will never have? A kind and considerate man. A romantic man. Somebody who knows the right things to say and the right places to touch. Somebody who can ignite flames that you thought died along time ago . Somebody who can make you dream dreams so real. What happens when you can't get him out of your mind all day long? What happens when you know you belong to someone else and he betrothed to another?

I have often found that a person's journey through life is much like that of a sailor at sea.  There are long periods of time where the ocean is calm, and serenity surrounds you, perhaps giving way to feelings of boredom and monotony.  Then, suddenly, the winds may shift, and you can find yourself in a tumultous storm, uncertain of what may befall you.  Such experiences are exciting, terrifying, and perhaps the raison d'etre for life itself.

Let me introduce myself, my name is Rob.  I am a real person, and despite numerous academic achievements in my life, I have still yet to attain any sense of happiness.  I plan to write a blog, in which any readers can learn from my experiences, perhaps empathize with my situation, and hopefully offer advice or wisdom that others can come to value.  If in time it proves that there is little interest on this website for my rambling posts, I shall quit it and leave those here in peace.  So please, if you wish to hear more from me, post a comment suggesting so, and I shall continue.

For now, I shall part with a small description of what has motivated me to come to write about such matters, and it largely stems from a recent rejection of sorts, one that has affected me far greater than I had ever imagined possible.  My tale will go through the ways of how I allowed myself to get into such a position, the mistakes I possibly made along the way, why the emotional baggage people carry around with them likely hinder their chances at happiness today, and how and why I feel so broken up by all of this.  A sad story to be told I am sure, but one that is just part of life's journey.  For no one knows where the waves of fortune may carry us, they may bring us all that we ever dreamed to be possible, or leave us shattered and alone.  However, the real story of life is how we come to deal with such matters, and how we move along and learn from them.

I hope to hear from anyone.   -Rob

she asks me like an angel when i am weak
i've been locked inside your heart shaped box for weeks
i've drown into your magnet talk,it makes me cry
i wish i could eat your cancer when you turn back
hey wait,i got to lose few things before i say what's killing me
and throw your priceless advice at your face
don't say what you said before
i cut myself at angel's hands to save it for you
broken heaven at your door
lay down your hair so i can climb right back
hey wait,don't go just yet
there are still things i haven't done with you
don't kill me with your mouth
seeing you like that brings tears to my eyes
most beautiful angel i have ever seen
so cold and white with a smile on your lips
i wish i could eat your cancer when you turn back
i'm still locked inside your heart shaped box
set me free

How devastating.To be rejected,unloved,and you don't feel a thing.The cuts that bare your arms are just marks in your eyes.You never felt the pain when you did that.All you felt was anger,sadness.The worry that fills me is worry for you.Because you are important to me.You're not just a friend,you're my best friend.And it kills a part of me inside everytime I see a new scar.Your smile doesn't fool me.I see past it,and I see painI know you better than you think I do.I hate seeing you like this.Everyday,the scars go deeper.Your eyes become more bloodshot,and you become weaker.You may not think it shows,but I see it.You're worth it,life is worth it.You may think no one wants you around,but you're wrong.Even if you don't feel the pain,I do.

If you only knew how much I miss you, miss the sound of your voice. It was all I ever had. Its easy to pretend that I'm okay, most of the time I even succeed in fooling myself. But I cannot help but dream, fantasise about the life we could have had together. I curse the moment I fell in love with you, because to be brutally honest, everything went to hell the moment I uttered those damned words. I never wanted to love you, but I did. We were great friends, we understood each other the way no one else did.

Seven years is a long time, a long time of regret. If things didn't turn out the way they did we'd be living in total bliss by now...

THE BEGINNING...

We were both twelve years old even though he is older than what I am, let's call him Pony. funny story actually, we kinda met in the road. e lives a few houses away from me 9right next to my uncle them). I cant forget that December holiday. Our mothers knew each other somehow and that's basically how we met. my mother, cousins and I were walking to his house cause my mommy didn't want to walk  alone. When we got there by their house I saw him for the first time and we couldn't keep our eyes off each other. seeing as how our parents like to talk FOREVER he walked away and when he got back we were still standing there. we stared at each other some more. Little did I know that this Arian would fall for this Taurean and vise versa. Somehow he asked where i live because the next day he came to my house. Both off us shy of each other we just stood there with smiles on our faces. see what he did was, he came to our house to asked my daddy if he can buy anything for him by the tuck shop around the corner. He did that just to maybe get a chance to speak to me. He did that the entire summer so we basically saw each other everyday. and my daddy would stand on our little stoep and he would see him coming and  call me to stand by him just so that we can talk and smile at each other...(young love). that carried on for about a year or two. I met his friend across the road from him, some cousins and one or two other friends. apparently his parents liked me very much (according to my mommy). Another December my cousins came to visit for the holiday and his cousin, Lyle, visited him. then him and Lyle would come to my house with his female friend from across the road and we'd just chill. Lyle and I spoke a lot and it kinda seemed like he was coming on to me. and this was when I realized that Lyle's cousin actually liked me a lot because he got jealous at the mere fact  that Lyle and I were getting along well. That was such a massive turn on for me but I didn't let anybody know that. So basically his family and him were mad over me and mine were mad over him also. He always used to have little parties some Friday nights and he invited me and my cousins...that was really very sweet. This also went on for a while then some time he invited me but his other female cousin was there and his female friend. Getting to the main point...now in a Taurean and we are subjects to be extremely stubborn and sensitive. His female cousin and his female were rude to me that night and me feeling hurt I just wanted to be alone, I took my mood out on him and he didn't deserve it. from there on what we had deteriorated. he would come to my house and I'd give him the cold shoulder. And him being an Arian, he never gave up. Its in his nature not  to  give up. a few holidays after that he stopped coming and till this day when I see him I still get butterflies in my stomach.

As i watch your smile

“I USED TO LOVE HER IN SILENCE, FOR IN SILENCE I FIND NO REJECTION” Yan ang quote na unang tumatak sa akin noong maramdaman ko na mahal ko siya. I used to think twice, thrice and even a hundred times and I consulted a lot of friends about it. They all disagreed about the quote. Sabi nila, “its better to be rejected at least nasabi mo sa kanya at nalaman niya na mahal mo siya”. And I asked them back “what if ayaw niya sa akin e di masasaktan lang ako?” Sabi nila “Always consider the pain of rejection when it comes to loving someone.”……...............................................................................