standing in the rain,
looking up at the grey clouds
wondering how i let everything slip through my fingers.
the thunder cracks in my ears
and the lightening strikes at my feet.
the wind is roaring in my face
and the droplets stab into my arms.
this storm is nothing
compared to the one inside my head.
trudging through the wet leaves
and mud puddles....
where has the time gone?
where did my life go?
how did i end up this way?
the storm grows stronger,
more fierce now.
it whips my hair into my empty eyes.
lightening strikes again,
closer to my feet.
it flashes across my pale face.
i scream into the sky,
cussing and crying.
i dig my nails into my neck
and claw and drag them down.
the skin is under them,
coated in my wasteful blood.
each breath i draw
is just so unimportant.
i pose no value in this
godforsaken world.
each time i blink
is just another minute
i could be lying dead instead.
each move i make,
im going nowhere.
shuffling my feet through
the drowned grass,
soaking up all the lies
and misery ive
brought upon myself.
my faint shadow
mocks me.
falling to the ground,
running my hands in the dirt.
the storm is too strong
to battle with anymore.
its too obvious to ignore
and too powerful to not care.
i lost it all.
the ones i loved the very most,
myself,
my sanity.
theres nothing left.

sitting in this room,
watching everyone else
have fun.
sitting in this chair,
feeling the hollowness of
my chest cavity.
laying on the bed,
watching the ceiling fade to black.
im not sure where
i went,
where im going.
and im not sure that
i really care now.
everything hurts.
everything i touch....
it dies.
my sadness is contageous.
im like a disease.
i spread my symptoms,
just like a disaese.
maybe i have the disease.
because i sit around,
just letting myself go.
staring into the mirror
talking back to it.
it even answers now...
and then in the middle of
our conversation,
i realize its just me.
am i really this alone?
no.
im just completely insane.
i chose this.
i chose to be alone.
i have so many opportunities,
i just dont take them.
i have friends,
but i think i avoid them.
i have family,
but i dont care.
i have a great boyfriend,
but he makes it worse.
i dont mean any of this,
its just how it all ended up.
i want to care,
i want to live but
i dont want to hurt.
and i really dont want to be alone.
but if i like it so much,
how can i break this habbit?
theres no answer,
because i cant this time.
i avoid people,
even people who are close to me.
because they make it harder.
make it hurt.
makes me know,
this life is real.
and i dont want it to be.
i avoid all happiness,
but for a reason.
happiness isnt real to me.
because in the end
its just sadness it turns to pain.
nothing stays happy forever.
or for a little bit even.
so theres just no
happiness to me.
sometimes i can be happy,
but like i said it usually always turnss
into making me sad.
people just make things so much
harder than it needs to be.
so i exclude myself,
i stay away and avoid them.
or maybe im the one
who isnt really real.
maybe im just an amusement.
maybe im here...
just to take up space.
am i real?
i can feel.
i can love.
i can cry.
i can even laugh a little.
but does all that mean im real?
i have a heart,
but that doesnt mean i use it.
because i dont.
ive opened up to
one person....
and they crushed me.
so maybe im just a toy.
maybe im not real.
i just wish this life
wasnt real,
just like all the fake bitches in it.
but i know all too well...
that this life,
is as real as it gets.....

with you in my head,
controlling my thoughts
and toying with my emotions.
playing tricks on my mind
and making me feel so alone.
youve found a way inside
and you wont get out.
your driving me crazy
each time we talk,
and you bring me down
and tell my everythings my fault.
its probably true too.
how i screw everything up
and break everyone down.
driving people i love away
and letting the hell inside
rise up and take over.
you make me think i dont care,
even if i really do.
you manipulate me
and corrupt me.
with you in my head,
everything is dark
and i am so cold.
my heart is ice
and my tears are acid,
my lungs fill with water
and i choke on my words.
you lead me to believe
that there is nothing outside of you.
that nothing and no one else
is even real.
its all just an hallucination.
pulling the strings in my mind
and wrapping me around your finger.
youve made me scream,
youve made me cry,
youve made me hate myself
and everyone else but you.
ive broken all the mirrors
and peeled away my skin
with the shards.
my icy heart exploded
and the remnints of glass
shot in every direction,
piercing its way out of
my chest and
piling on the floor.
with you in my head,
my life is hell.
i am alone while im expected
to understand that you will
always be the only one there for me.
youve shrouded me into corners
and built up a wall around me.
just kill me now.

life...
its so hard.
its so complicated.
so unfair.
its ungiving.
theres no point to it.
why are we even alive?
how are we alive?
theres no god that created us.
theres really no reason
for life,
ti live.
i now understand why
people murder other people.
its not bad.
i look at it as if
they are saving them.
because this,
is the real hell you
should fear.
i know why people commit
suicide.
its to save themselves
from seeing this word
go to complete hell.
this is what hell looks like.
its what you should fear.
theres no real happiness.
no real good.
its all greed,
selfishness,
hate.
thats all this world is.
its stupid.
life is stupid.
people are stupid.
everything is stupid
and worthless.
it means nothing.
nothing does.
i mean nothing.
people mean shit.
everything is bullshit to me.

you put your hand on my cheek...
and i didnt even feel it.
you pulled me into you arms...
and i never felt it either.
each time i was with you,
there was nothing there.
i wasnt there.
i was in my own
little messed up world.
the misery crawled in
and swept over my mind.
i didnt recognize you
walking or talking with me.
i was lost.
im just a hollowed out person,
drifting around like ghost.
im not real.
i wasnt meant for this world,
yet here i am.
i shouldnt have existed.
i deserve a solid death.
just let it creep into me
and errupt my surreal heart.
i wouldnt feel that either.
im just not real,
and im not meant for this world.

days and days go by,
slowly and painfully.
theres no one to talk to,
no one to see,
nothing to do.
sleeping the minutes away,
sacrificing my time
so i can stay to myself.
popping pills so i can rest easier and longer,
busting mirrors to wipe away the anger.
using shreds of glass...
but only millimetes away from
breaking the skin.
i know i cant do it.
what kind of person
would i be then.
break the skin,
break the promise.
but its oh-so hard
to resist.
pulling my hair from the roots,
because the slient lonliness
is driving me to insanity.
god-forbid i have a normal life.
its like im condemned to suffer
through this fucking hell.
days and days go by.
wasting away to nothing,
slowly and painfully.
who gives a fuck anyway?
not me.
i dont give a damn anymore.
just......
who cares....?

when i went away....
i hoped to forget you.
just for a little while.
i hoped to get away from
the tears and hurt.
i hoped the pain would stop.
but the pain got worse,
from missing you.
from wanting you
every night.
holding me,
kissing me softly.
and the memories only rushed bak every day.
the memories held in my head,
mean everything to me.
being with you
knowing youre mine,
mean the world.
looking at you next to me,
makes me think how
lucky i am to have
you,
that you picked me.
so many chouces you had.
so many of them better
smarter,
prettier.
but you loved me.
i guess even getting away from you,
i cant get away.
the memories.
you scent i smell everywhere.
i see your smile when i close my eyes.
i laugh your laugh.
i whisper,
''i love you''
when you arent even here.
i just cant even get rid
of you for a second.
youre a part of me.
you linger on me,
long past your presence.
getting lost in your eyes,
losing myself in them
just for a bit,
seems like forever.
but i dont care.
if i could id spend every
second of forever,
with you.

the lights that blind my eyes.
the smell of beer
that fill my nostrills.
i cant sllep at night.
the cars homking by all night.
the burn that burns inside of me.
what is it?
hell if i know.
maybe its a sickness....
moaybe its nothing.
the screams i hear at night
keeping me up,
sometimes i feel worry.
the banging next door.
under the city lights,
lie whores.
the crazy people.
drunks and prostitutes.
the different people.
hiding under the city lights
trying to find themselves.
trying new things,
partying.
who knows what would happen.
careless they act.
careless they are.
maybe i belong there.
do i?
i am different.
i want to try new things.
i want to party.
but thats not me.
i dont drink,
i dont hook up.
im just another kind
of different.
i guess i just belong with you.
knowing you love me is all i need.
so maybe i dont belong
under the city lights.
with the crazies,
and the carelss.
but where else should i go....

ive never felt so weak,
so emotionless,
so unimportant.
i dont want to do anything.
everything is so damn complicted.
ive lost interest in
all the things i used to love.
i dont want to go anywhere,
i dont want to call anyone,
i dont want to be around people.
especially people like my family.
i dont want them to see how i act.
i dont want them to ask me
"whats wrong?"
i dont want to tell them.
i dont want my friends to notice
how torn i truly am.
i dont want him to hear how i talk to him on the phone.
im afraid he'll notice.
i dont know what to do
or how to act.
im completely astranged.
im tangled up in all my ridiculous problems.
everything is just so damn complicated.
people breathing down my neck
every second of the day.
"whats wrong?",
whats your problem?"
theyre my problem.
they wont back off.
they are clung to my shoulder,
hooked on my back,
voices right in my ear.
theyre just fucking annoying
as all hell.
im just sick of it all.
i dont want them around me
twenty-four-seven.
its irritating,
its aggravating,
its irrational,
its irrelevant.
i just want them to
back the fuck off.

im the dirt you walk on,
the person you pushover,
the friend no one notices.
im the outcast.
thats just how it is
and how it always will be.
ignore me,
hate me,
hurt me.
what difference is it to me?
im worth nothing,
i dont have specific meaning,
i dont bring joy to others.
im just here,
because theres no place else
i can possibly go.
im accepted no where else,
and no one wants me around.
im the outcast.
thats just how it is
and how it always will be.

sitting here,
hands buried in
shards of glass
that used to be a mirror.
i hated my reflection;
the dark purple circles
under mt dull eyes,
now dripping with
pointless tears.
smiling lies
i alaways showed
in my attempts to
masquerade the truth.
i hate everything
that ive become
and everything
i never was.
i was never beautiful,
never smart,
never talented.
even through changes,
im still the same.
except now,
im more bitter,
more spiteful,
and i only smile
to make you think im fine.
my smiles are lies,
my laughs are weak,
my love is black.
i want you to think
that im alright,
that im not suicidal,
that i do still love.
but if i cant even convince myself
how can i convince you?
my hands are
sore and bloody;
lethal weapons in my eyes.
i could do so much destruction,
yet im reduced to smashing mirrors.
i hate my relection.
i cant stand to look
at this heinous face
each and every day.
sitting here,
knee deep in glass,
still smiling lies.

acting like children,
they are.
out leaving us alone,
in an unknown environment.
carrying on,
thinking they have no responsibility.
no care in the world.but really,
they have me,
they have us.
to maintain.
but do they?
not really.
i wish theyd stop.
but why worry about it
when its nothing i can controll.
i will never be able to.
i would like to,
but no...
i cant.
headaches from worry.
pains from crying. i cant even controll those.

crying and hurting.
wanting to call,
but knowing its too late.
i want to tell you whats wrong.
i want you to hold me.
i want you to
tell me its ok.
i want you to
kiss me and hold me close.
i miss you.
i miss your smell.
i want you so bad.
to be in your arms.
to feel your lips onn mine.
calming me down.
i only wish the pain
would stop.
tears would stop
coming.
so easily theu form.
but so hard to go away.
i wish you were here to calm me down and hold me.
tell me itll get better,
even though it never will.
i just wish you were here...

i know,
i am definately alone.
drunken people
surround me.
the smell of alcohol,
the scent of cigarettes.
all ruining a part of me
it doesnt show,
because its stupid.
it shouldnt bother me.
but it does more than
anyone would know.
he makes her do things,
he has her drink more,
he does it.
he makes her do
bad things too.
walkin in the door
stumbling with every step.
laughing and carrying on.
loud as can be.
puking in the floor.
passing out on the couch.
laying in your puke,
that drowned away
your sorrows,
maybe youre pain.
i dont know.
i dont know why they do it.
to get away from me?
to hide yourselves?
i still have no guesses.
but i really dont
care why.
you know why??
because if they dont give
a shit to check in,
to fuck up,
to leave us here alone.
they leave me like everyone else
gives up ion me.
why should i care?
i dont....anymore.
i give up.
i cant stop it,
so why try iy?
i thought family was
supposed to help
eachother.
i guess not.
i thought that they were
supposed to be there
for you when you need it.
i dont know.
i dont.
like i said....
i dont care.
and i dont give a fuck.

the wind and waves.
the sand and footprints.
the happy children.
the ringing of laughter.
not a cloud in sight.
everything perfect....
so it seams.
so peaceful,calming.
used to be so fun.
so relaxing.
but now...
i sigh at everything.
i sit around thinking
of nothing but lonliness and sadness.
i cant help it...
it overwhelms me.
its deep inside me,
to where it cant get out.
i dug a hole
and thats what filled it.
hatred.
anger,sadness.
and being alone.
taking away my happiness.
ive even burried
myself into that hole.
im so lost im
far beyond saving.
i cant be saved,
but who can anyway?
theres no way anyone can.
im here,
they see me
but dont know im lost.
so they dont know,
where im lost at.
i have nothing to fear,
but myself.
i swollowed myself whole.
im the monster
that killed me.
i made everything
important go away.
i drove everyone away.
im the reason why
im losing myself.
the reason why,
im almost dead inside.
and i will be the reason
why i kill myself.
i fear myself.
i never have ,
but i should now.
because im killing me.
i dont want to die,
but sometimes its all that
would end the hell.
the self torture.
and i dont know how to stop it.
i wish i did,
but i have no clue.
one person makes it numb.
one person
makes it fade.
on person makes
it go completely away.
but that person isnt
always with me.
one person
makes me feel so good,
so much better.
so i fear myself.
i have no one with me
to make it stop,
or go away.
no one to help.
instead i keep killing
myself...

alone i feel,
lost i am.
a world so big
i dont know where i fit in.
theres one person who understands me.
theres only one person...
who can do everything
or anything
for me.
that....is myself.
no one makes me
do things,
i make myself do it.
no one talks to me when im sad.
i talk to myself.
no ones there for me when im alone and crying.
but you...
sometimes youre there,
on the fone,
in my head,
or  right beside me.
holdong my hand
through all the gloomy
greys.
through the
mixed colors of emotions.
the pinks your there
for me to love.
they grey,
your there for a
crying shoulder.
the black....
no ones there for
that though.
black,
is depression.
no one understands
that one.
they never will either.
...im sure of it...
right?
people have been there
but not like i am.
its hard living.
its hard breathing.
i hate being happy.
i hate it,
i hate it all.
i never did,
but now i do.
i hate enjoyable things.
fun things,
seem to bring me down
deeper in my hole.
to where it makes,
everything harder.
you.
life.
love.
to breathe...
why cant i just end it?
cause it wont.
not while im alone...

growing up was hard for me. the longest i would stay in one place sould be at least 3 years. i allwased moved. i never got a chace to grow up in one place. now i live in kingwood,texas.a hell hole of a own full of rich kids and luniticks. im stuck ina rutt most of the time. i get into alout of fights because im "emo". i doesent piss me of that people call me that its just when they wont leave ma alone. im13 and if smoked poti lost lost my virginity and more. shure i regret alout of things but hey fuck it you cant take things back now can you. now im still walking the streets hoping to move somwher els but untill then my life still is full of regrets and ciggerets

ive been through hell
and back again.
i have stories to tell
and no one to tell them to.
ive walked through fire
without being burned outside.
though its charred within,
i can still say it doesnt hurt
and people would believe me.
ive cut my wrists
without drowning in blood.
they may see the scars,
but theyve no clue how
deep they really are.
ive beat the odds
and defied the laws.
i dont even know
how or why im still alive.
but youve walked with me
each step of the way:
guiding me through obstacles
and never giving up on me.
even when i bitched,
when i cried,
when i broke down.
you were always with me
in some ironic way.
ive taken you into my hell,
told you each story
i could possibly tell...
because you decided
to be the one who
walked through fire with me.
so we could break the boundaries,
lie to the people,
and still say
it doesnt hurt inside or out.
they never have to know.
only we do.
it doesnt matter if they catch us
or if they find out.
we know the ride was fun
and worthwhile.
im just glad youre the one wholl
walk through fire with me.

bleeding or heeling.
pain and pleasure.
always the opposites attract.
good, bad.
gentle and rough.
coming together to
make the perfect pair.
opposites always attract..
dont they?
just like you and me.
hate and love.
i love you,
as you hate everything.
shy and outgoing.
while im secluded,
youre doing
whatever you please.
joy and tears.
you get off on
my meaningless tears.
sex and abstanience.
you want sex,
you want my body,
when all i want from you
is love.
i want to be close,
but not physically.
youre rough,
as i am gentle like a
helpless child.
fragile i am.
my tears multiply
with things so simple.
i try to keep them,
but i cant help it.
it hurts too much to do
anything,
but let them out.
opposites like hot and cold....
youre hot with lust,
and im cold with tears.
spring and autum.
you bloom al little each day just like spring.
as i am dying inside
every hour.
but you and me,
both opposites of the other,
for some reason
do not attract.
i try.
but were like magnets:
two negatives dont attract.
neither do two positives.
i try more.
but we pull away from
eachother the closer we get.
the closer i get to you,
feeling the magnetic pull,
its still the farthest
ive been from you.
inches apart,
almost touching,
were still miles apart.
i cant do it.
be so close,
but so far away at
the same time.
i cant even touch you.
were just opposites
that dont attract,
we can try but well be
farther then before.

the things you never said,
all the lies you did tell.
the bullshit.
the things you try
and hide.
but dont stay beneath
your cover-ups.
crazy things you
make me do,
id never even think of.
bad things.
good things.
the things you do.....
break me down,
and get the best of you.
bad things outweigh
the good,
they always do.
the times youve left,
that you thought about leaving.
all that shit scares me.
you leaving kills me,
and all the pain
makes me cry.
the pain that i do keep
inside,
its like acid.
it eats away at me.
its killing me.
i tell you this.
i cant take it,
but i cant let it out.
it shows im weak.
it shows i care.
it even shows i need you.
but im not strong,
you know it too.
you know im hurting,
you know i cry and care.
you know all too well,
that i need you.
so why not fix that?
because you dont care.
you dont trust me.
you wont tell me.
you tell me nothing,
but not to worry.
but thats all i do...
i worry.
youre going to kill
yourself and you dont care.
you want to leave
this world.
to leave me.
but im trying,
dont you know?
dont you notice?
i try for you.
to help you.
help you stop doing
bad things.
but you still do them.
you dont change,
and im afraid you never will.
all because you
couldnt care less.
so if you dint give a shit,
why the hell should i?