well today is valentines day like always im all alone  it makes me sad and jeleous to see people getting hug kiss and gifts. I feel so lonely right now it raining in sandiego and it washes my tears away im happy for my friends but im dying inside no love for me why em i so weak why do i hate this life.   i whach the sky cry with me and i wanna hug it but its too far away hang in there buddy your not alone.

the sharp edge of the razor cuts my skin so eaisly

June 7, 2011

I hate goodbyes. Because it reminds me of the things that will never come again, of the battles i had and failed. But today, this very same day, i had to say goodbye to my "kismet", my destiny. While i'm making this notes, i'm crying real hard. Because this serves as my goodbye to you, the word i hate most. I hate to end our relationship hon, but i just have to. Habang me natitira pa kong pagmamahal sa sarili ko. I need to do this for you to realize my worth. Even if that means i should have to let you go. Tama si Mommy Ella, i need to think and love myself first before loving someone else. Pero aaminin ko mahirap. Ngayon pa lang hirap na hirap na ko. Pero wala namang masayang paghihiwalay di ba? Lahat may katumbas na sakit. And at the same time, a lesson learned. Iniisip ko ngayon kung pano ko uli umpisahan buhay ko. How can i start anew? I got use to having you beside me. Waking up in the morning knowing that you're just a text away. Ngayon puro pamamaalam na lang ang alam kong sabihin. Ang kaya mong isagot. Ang sakit. Walang katumbas na sakit. Para akong pinapatay araw-araw sa bawat minuto ng bawat oras. If only i can turn back the hands of time. I would like it to be when it was only you and me, when i was the only important person in your life, when i was your only priority, when you can't take your eyes off me. Nung panahon na gusto mo halos araw-araw ako kasama. Ngayon ang dami ng nagbago. Hindi na ako ang top priority mo. I wish i can turn back the hands of time. Ibabalik ko 'to sa araw na nakilala kita and i will cherish all those moments and will try my very best to remain that way. If only i can freeze the time. Sana lagi na lang tulad ng dati. Maybe i won't feel this numbness inside. Madaming sana sa isip ko ngayon. Na sana mas naging best pa ko para sayo. Maybe i've done something wrong kaya ka nawala sakin. But i think God has a better plan. Maybe He wants us to went thru all this para sa huli mapatunayan natin kung tayo nga talaga. Sana uli ganun nga. I would love to feel all this pain over and over just to be with you in the end. Sorry hon, sorry for all the floss, for all the nagging and for all the doubts. Sana binago ko yun, siguro di pa tayo napunta sa situation na 'to. It must be a different scenario, a different way. Pero wala. Andito na tayo sa sitwasyon na 'to and i can't do anything but to endure all the pains. Honestly hon, i can't live in a world were you don't exist. Kaya eto ako now, iniisip ano ng mangyayari sa mundo ko. I always tells you that i'm willing to love you for the next lifetimes to come. Totoo yun. Kahit paulit2 ako masaktan basta ikaw ang rason at basta nararanasan ko pa ding mahalin mo, pipilitin kong kayanin. But now i've realized, tao lang pala talaga ako. I do have limitations. And this is it. I've reached the maximum tolerance of my patience. I want to hold on hon. Really wanted to. But all the situations tells me to stop. All the people around me told me to let go. Even Mommy Ella. Oh, i just simply love your mom. She asked me if i'm hurting too much, when i told her yes, she told me to give up, to let you go. Kasi daw tinuring na niya kong anak din niya so she doesn't want to see me hurting. Isn't that sweet? She said she understood if i have to let go of you. Para din daw ma-realize mu sa huli kung totoong mahal mo nga daw ako at kung magbabago ka daw para sakin. I simply can't explain what happened. We used to be so happy, so in-love. Pero ngayon, feeling ko ako na lang ang ganun. Although i know and i can still feel your love, parang di na lang tulad ng dati. Alam ko naman na mahal mo nga talaga ako. Maybe it's because you're still young and just want to enjoy your life. Kaya hahayaan na muna kita i-enjoy ang buhay mo. I won't interrupt with your life now. Sorry honey, mahal po kita. Mahal na mahal kita. T.T You will still be my kismet, my love, my fate, my soulmate and my DESTINY :) No one and nothing can ever change that honey. ILOVEYOU so much my kismet :-*

 oii i hav dis new emoo boii clled derikk and hes hottiii azz oii. hez hoot azz nd we hokk up all da tym nd hez jst soo cut hez emo 2 sso we sute gud . luv lyf evn tho im emo :'( xxxx truu storiii oii

oii lastt weak mii bf movd too nz nd on miispace i saw pix oof himm nd diss ova gurll hookken up nd i criied soo muchh. truu storiii xxxxxx :'(

oncee mii daddy tolld meh i waz use lees and i criied coz hee alwayz saaiid dat i felt soo aloonn. helpp meh guyz i will diie froom saddnes. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :'( truu storiii. 

ii waz at da park and i cnt believ my eiis. i saw dis poor chiilld gtt killd bii a dogg. 

broken..

ive confessed my sins
and got down on my knees,
praying to something that i thought would help rid the pain.
but days that went by
made me realize i was getting
no answers.
which also led me to
disregarding my previous beliefs.
laying my heart on his table
and asking him to purify my soul....
i cannot beleive i was taught to
think that he was real.
that he would answer the calls
and make you feel reborn again.
it was all lies.
he was always a lie.
and youre a fool for thinking
that he was anything but.
he will turn his back on you.
so save your breath for someone
who may actually give a shit.
because otherwise,
youre going to get nothing in return
and figure it all out the hardest way.
he doesnt exist.
he breaks hearts,
makes tears fall,
makes you bleed.
all for nothing.
he will not listen
to your pleas.
save your sins
when its time to enter
the gates of hell.
thats the only time
theyre really ever matter anyway.

perfect,precious screams.
screams of hate.
screaming screaming,
falling deeper.
i cant stop this.
too far gone to have a second look.
an elevator to hell,
only its the empty shaft.
falling into the dark
hallway to hell.
perfect,precious blood.
blood on hells grass.
ive finally fallen.
skies are black,
evil beings everywhere.
tourtured souls
in hanging cages.
perfect,precious...my home.
i dont want this.
im only here for my tourturous forever.
hell beasts following to me
everywhere.
behind me.
beside me or infront
they never leave my sides.
but what great sin have i
done to deserve this?
perfect,precious lust.
i wanted everything.
i wanted you and only you.
i lost touch with friends,
because i hate them.
i hated being treated
like dirt.
i hate being treated
like im just someting stupid.
because im not.
i was just another struggling girl
in this world.
its so hard.
seeing pretty girls,
wantong to be pretty and
skinny just like them.
seeing things around,
like this is how i should look.
perfect,precious hate.
i loved to hate.
i loved to kill.
hell i even liked to torture.
i liked pain i got from cutting.
hurting myself.
i liked others in pain.
i pulled away from friends,
because im a fucking freak.
no one does this.
but perfect precious ugly me.
i hate people.
friends are stupid.
they only last for so long.
then they go another way
that isnt yours.
then you just have to love the people
thst matter,
forget the people who dont.
let go of the ones
who hurt you.
and let in the ones
who make you happy.
ive learned so much,
just by living in hell.
i got better.
ive gotton so much better.
you helped me too.
you let me understand
who mattered and who didnt.
you helped me let go.
you helped my
stop crying.
so no more meaningless friends.
no nore stupid stuff.
no more anything that hurts.
just you,
and what i need.
perfect,precious love.

a simple cut,can say so much.
but never reveals
your true pain.
a simple cut,
means so many things.
but just a cut to others.
a drop of blood,
resembles your feelings.
falling falling,
losing touch from life.
losing touch from reality.
a simple cut,
is all it takes.
so simple,
so easy,
slice through skin
like butter.
its so easy.
the simplist cut,
can mean so much.
the person who drove you to it.
the people who hurt you.
the depression.
the dark times.
and still,
no one knows the real meaning.
they worry,
they ask why you would
do such a terrible thing,
but we just laugh.
its because of them.
its because or the things
they do.
the things they say,
cut deeper than any cut.
it sinks into your head,
and it stays there.
eating away at you,
making you think
somethings wrong with you.
it all reflects,
on that one simple cut.
it all leads to it.
the blood that stains the floor.
that stains the water a clear red.
the tears we may cry,
because no one sees
the calling of the pain.
a simple cut,
is a cry for help.
a simple cut,
means theres no other way.
theres no help.
theres no hope left.
it faded like the blood
faded into the water
and is all gone.
simple whispers of death,
creep into your ear,
just to let you know
its almost your time.
you get too overwhelmed,
you just cant handle it much more.
locking yourself away.
your cut your self numb.
getting dizzy,
losong touch of life.
falling falling,
into a deep darkness,
of a forevers slumber.
try to hold on one last time,
too week to feel.
numb and drwning away
pain in blood puddles.
falling over onto the blood
stained floor,
with one last dreaded breath,
it was just too much.
your finally over.
death crept on you,
its whisper longing for you
took you away.
forever to never awake.
now....
you only see,
what a simple cut means.

i didnt mean to....
whenever i do this,
you run off.
i get sad and quiet.
you ask whats wrong,
but i dont know.
so you run off.
i cry because you dont
want me when im down.
when im at my peak
of breaking.
when im ugly.
you want me flawless,
you want me perfect
and happy.
but im not always that way.
i get sad,
i cry,
i get emotional.
and i even thought
you were there for me.
but you ran off.
you dont like to listen to it.
or you cant handle it.
you dont like it,
so youd rather run off.
here i am thinking,
how love was supposed to
be together
through pretty or ugly.
through good and bad.
tears and love.
i didnt expext you to
bail on me.
i didnt expect you to run of.
so lie to me.
break my heart.
make me cry and break me down.
i only expected the worst,
really.
because thats what seems to always happen.
the good comes first.
the love,
compssion,
all the nice things that
make you feel so good.
then,
comes the bad.
the hate.
the lies and heartache.
the betrail.
turning your back on
each other when you were forever.
i didnt believe we were....
but i felt it.
but now...
i dont know.
you make me feel different.
but you make me feel like
shit too.
when you run off.
you lie to me.
when you tell me youre
wanting something i wont give,
but someones else will.
youre tempted by other people.
i hate it...all.
new people,
can make me feel so much
better after talking to you.
its rediculous.
you.....you should be
the one holding me,
telling me its ok.
youre the one whose supposed
to tell me nice things,
not other people.
ive missed you.
the new you is too much.
maybe we arent meat to be.
if thats the case,
id rather know now,
then somewhere down the road.
because you might then,
still run off.
when things get rough.
something you cant handle.
i get sad,
emotional.
anything.
youd run off on me.
then,
who do i have?
computer friends?
i have them,
but i want you.
to be the person i love.
the person who loves me back,
and tells me that you love me more.
i want you to be the
onw who holds me
when i cry.
to be the one who tells me its ok.
i want you,
just you....and only you,
fto be mine.
and not run off.
thats it.
thats all i ask,or want from you.
is to not run off.....
this time.

There is nothing left.
No one else to please,
nothing more to do.
It's time I give up on this,
like I have with everything else in my life.
I have given up my dreams,
my ambitions,
my beliefs.
Most of these things were for the better
I will admit.
But everything that used to matter to me,
doesn't mean shit.
I have changed.
Drastically in some ways.
But when you think there's nothing left
to even life for anymore,
you just have to give up.
Because you know you can't go on.
So,
I'm giving up.
I'm saying goodbye
and not caring what effects this
has on my redundant life.

Fulfill dreams is still seems unfulfilled!

i can pretend my whole life.
i can fake everything.
i could lie about it.
i could even stay hidden....
but does that help anything?
pretending im ok,
when im not is killing me.
faking smiles everytime
i see you,
i cant pretend anymore.
lying doesnt do anything,
but make me untrusting.
and staying hidden....
well that only protects me.
from harm,
and hurting from people.
pretending makes me look strong.
but am i?
im not so sure.
i cant lie aboutt my feelings,
i cant hide my tears,
my sore red eyes are proof.
the headaches of crying
for hours at a time.
cursing into empty air,
does no great.
it only makes me look insane.
breaking things proves,
im out of my mind.
pretending my life isnt real,
i dont know what that does.
i should know better by now.
i cant make it go away.
i cant make things better,
on my own.
i dont want to get close
to people,
or let them in even.
but how else am i to get better?
maybe im better off wondering.
maybe i shouldnt know.
maybe my life was like "house"
the game we usesd to play as kids.
maybe thats really me.
its just pretend,
and what happnes doesnt
matter and isnt real.
maybe thats my case.

wow.....
what i said was an understatement.
there really is no
fucking happiness.
because i was happier than
anything before.
then it all faded.
the tiny sliver of happy
that i felt.
its gone.
i was so happy.
then it turned to tears
like it always does.
it turned to hate inside,
and thats whats making
me die a little
every day.
its what makes me sad.
ill of upbeat things.
i cant do this.
being a small child was so much simpler.
when the only thing you had to ever worry about,
was your siblings
stealing your toys.
now.....
you have to worry abouut the world.
you have everything to
think about.
your life to plan,
and who to please.
theres just no happiness in it all.
in anything at all.
sometimes you make me feel it.
all the pain inside,
you make me know that
its really there and that it hurts.
you make me know that happiness
inst real.
i used to think it was.
but its just like
the super heros.
santa clause even
finding out the tooth
fairy isnt real.
its just a thing of the imagination.
if not a hallucination.
happiness is like a drug.
you feel the high that
happiness gives you,
the hallucination part that isnt real,
then when that has went away
the high leaves you feeling down.
so you do real drugs,
so that way you can feel
something real.
the drug.
and not the impersonation.
you do wreckless things
just to feel.
just to be heard.
so you are heard,
raher than screaming silent
screams no one can hear.
that way you know youre alive.
you cut to feel the pain.
to see the blood trickle
down your arm,
tickling as it runs.
it brings you actual light in your eyes.
you know its a sign,
of your pain your tears,
your anger and sadness.
but people dont know the code.
you try and send it,
but they dont listen.
they dont see it written in your eyes,
your arm.
they cant understand our apin.
the signs and cries we send out,
never get answered.
so we cant say we dont ask for help.
because we do,
were just not up front about it.
because if they really cared,
theyd look so much deeper,
to see what they would find.
but do they dare?

im going home.
back to the place where
rationality and relevancy
are virtues.
where goodbyes arent forever
and the days and nights
are bareable,
where fire is just a light in the darkness
and not eternal hell.
where blood
only has to run
through veins
and not out of them.
sanity doesnt matter there.
you can be yourself,
whether youre violent
or if your suicidal.
there is a home here,
open for all the outcasts and rejects.
so im going home.
a home where im accepted
from a world in which i never
truly belonged in.
screams dont have to be
my lullaby,
ashes dont have to fall
like rain,
i dont have a reason
to fear.
not anymore.
because i know that
this is the one place ill
never be alone in.
i dont have to worry about
if my soul is damned or not,
i dont have to worry about
if my heart is black or not.
in this home,
hearts and souls dont exist.
it doesnt matter if youre
loved or hated.
if youre loved,
you take hold of the advantage.
if youre hated,
you swallow it away.
everyone here is alike.
because this home
is not heaven or hell,
there is no god or satan.
so im going home.
back to the rationality and relvancy,
the virtues and accpetance.
a place where you and i belong,