It has been awhile since I've written down my thoughts. I've been so preoccupied with school, church, and every other aspect of life that come between me and my writtings. For those of you who have read my previous blogs, let me just update you on whats been going on in this "hopeless drama" i call my life. January 2nd, I wrote a blog concerning my New Year's relationship entitled, "New Year Destined For Heartbreak?" Which unsurprisingly lasted about 2 weeks. Turned out the guy I was seeing, already had a girlfriend. And as if that weren't bad enough, she was someone i knew very well. *sigh* Why are guys such idiots? Anyway, when i found out i broke all contact with him and have never spoken to him since. I really liked him but hey, a girls got to do what a girls got to do right?

Its been about 2 months since then, and already i find myself feeling "feelings" for another man. And honestly it is starting to annoy. I'll be 21 in October, and i have had my shares of heartbreak in my short lifetime. (Perhaps, more than my share) And you'd think I would be able to distinguish the difference between love and infatuation by now. But I can't! What is wrong with me? Why don't I give myself enough time to heal? I mean really, am i that desperate to be loved?! It seems to me that everytime someone of the opposite sex (someone i know i'll see everyday) flashes me a friendly smile, compliments me, or even holds a stare a second too long, my heart spirals out of control. Wedding chimes begin to ring, and my mind begins to fill with images of a "happily ever after". While the poor guy hasn't even spoken two words to me! *ugggh* Its almost as if I intentionally set myself up for heartbreak! I remember when I used to love feeling "feelings". Now, I just wish it would STOP until I am really supposed to feel them.

I realize that there is no one to blame but myself for my short-comings in relationships. I never look before i fall, and when things don't go my way i wonder why i'm always left with a broken heart. I need to learn how to keep my heart away from the dangers of "feelings". But the question is, How? How do you keep a heart from hurting, especially when the same source that causes that pain is in fact the remedy?

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