Okay first time I’ve ever written something so personal for eyes other than mine…

All I want to say is that I should be happy. I am young, not unattractive (don’t want to sound too vain), very intelligent, have lots of friends who are beautiful happy people who genuinely love me and want me around.

And yet I can’t get over this loneliness that seeps through me every night.

I’m just about 18, I shouldn’t be worrying about dying alone, should I? I have a whole life ahead of me, plenty of time to meet someone I could open myself up to finally and be myself with, and love them unconditionally and all that lovey-dovey stuff. I should be happy with what I’ve got: a very good scholarship to study at the university of my dreams my dream programme of Communications; as mentioned, a great set of friends; a roof of my head, ability to eat without gaining weight (purely genetic I think) and nice enough clothes. All a teenage girl could want, But it does seem like all a teenage girl really wants is love. Certainly the case here.

I’ve never been spoilt for anything, I’ve worked hard and have used my head to get into this ideal place where success is the next stop. But doesn’t it sound strange that a girl my age is already working all she can to claim her dream career when most other girls have only boys on their mind? It does to me. Annoys the hell out of me, because I must live vicariously through my friends, listen to them complain and so on. I would give ANYTHING to have someone want me the way boys seem to want them.

Although I don’t like boys. I like men. It’s difficult to meet men when you’re in a school uniform - so I suppose I’ve been waiting finally for this time when I’m finally done with high school and am about to begin university, to maybe try and get my act together and look for a man I might be able to love.

It’s just hard when you’ve never been able to let yourself go with anyone before to imagine it. I mean, my teenage years are supposed to be all about experimentation, aren’t they? But it’s never happened for me before. There have been opportunities, trust me, but I always wanted to wait to meet someone I could love before I did anything drastic with them like sex (I’m probably the only virgin left in my circle of friends now I think about it). And now I’m feeling sorry for myself that I’ll never have that whole cliched teenage high school love story shit, when I really brought it on myself. Oh well.

I’m hopeful that I’ll find someone soon, though, You can only go so long avoiding and dodging love. That’s what I’ve been doing, despite wanting it so bad. I’ve been looking for the last several years for it but never actually looking at the people around me who had so much potential, just rejecting them. I could be happy right now, I should be, but I’m not. It’s my own doing of course, but still I think I deserve the love aspect of my life to be fulfilled to balance out the fact that my rewards are NOT making me happy.

Allowing myself a very selfish moment. I deserve to be happy! And if being happy means being in love, then why shouldn’t I have love? I suppose I just need to learn how to let it happen.

I have other issues with why I’m so held-in about letting people close to me. But that’s for another time.

So anyway, that’s my rant of the day. I hate love for not being part of my life, but it’s my own fault. Anyone get what I mean?

Any sympathetic people out there who can relate to this?

Comments (6)

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written by Grace Balicas, November 09, 2009

learn to trust the perfect time..!
it has a magnificent and awesome reward i swear ^_^

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Courage
written by Stefan Conciu, November 03, 2009

Patience is the best thing that can happen to you. When you will have found your soul mate and experience true love you will wish to make her feel like in haven. In the mean time here are some suggestions: http://freshlove.doityourselfwizard.com/ Trying makes perfect!

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written by sweetNINgirl67, September 28, 2009

Hey thanx for reading and for the advice.
Definitely found your view very helpful.
Believe me, I'm trying very hard to be patient! And I don't feel as though I'm missing out anyway, the way my friends tell me about it they don't enjoy the sex part of their relationships, so maybe it's better that I wait til I'm actually with someone I care about...
anyway thanx so much for empathising!

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written by blind path, September 28, 2009

i can relate to you in some level. in high school, i didn't care too much about being in a relationship with anyone. but, as a college student, i feel that i'm getting older by the minute and i want to share the happiness with someone else before i get old. have more patience because it's best if you just let it happen rather than looking for the right guy. you're still young and i'm sure the perfect "man" for you will show up in some point of your life. don't worry about the whole losing your virginity thing. do it when you're ready. not when your friends do it. takes time to be intimate with someone. you'll need attraction, trust & love. for the most part, try to open yourself up more to guys because you said it yourself, there is potential. you'll know if he's right if u at least give him a shot . he may be right under your nose and you may not even know it! anyway, thank you for sharing your thoughts. your going through the stage of adolescence and it seems as though you are a grown adult already =)

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written by sweetNINgirl67, September 26, 2009

Hey thnx for the comment...
Yeah it sounds like you know what I mean. I have been out with a couple of guys, there's been some potential moments but there was never any feeling, on my side anyway.
So no, I guess I've never had any real relationship with a guy. I don't see the point of leading a nice guy on, the way some of my friends do just to say they've got a guy in their lives, just because I'm lonely if I don't actually feel anything for that guy, you know what I mean?

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written by pushkin_138, September 26, 2009

wow. wow. i COMPLETELY relate to this! except that i'm a little younger. don't you just hate the fact that, you know you have so much to offer, but you've never found the right guy to offer it to? hey are you saying you've never had any relationships/flings/romantic moments etc.. with a guy before?

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