Love Blog

Words can’t express how much I feel right now. One night, we celebrated our nearly graduation time. My friends and I went to one of our friend’s house and there we drank, smoked, chatted and everything that college friends will do. I’ll never forget the deal I had with one of my girl friend. The deal was to make our dare devil leader jealous by means of sitting close to her crush which is also our friend.

I got drank that night I’m not used to drinking to tell you the truth, I only drink when all of my friends are drinking. That night I got the courage to do what I had to do but I exceeded my limitations, our leader got jealous, mission accomplished. But I wish I stopped when I hugged her love of her life. I even dare to kiss him without thinking then all of a sudden I had kissed almost all of my guy friends. I wish I had controlled myself. After that night, I never texted anyone for I know it’s over that night. I know everyone has their own business and love life. I don’t like to interfere and I don’t have any special feelings to them.

Few days later, the guy which our dare devil leader had a crush on texted me. Let’s give him a code name, let’s call him Hayden. At first it was just a quote and I replied with a quote too. Then his next text was asking me how am I doing and apologizing if he kissed me too much. Yes, he’s the one who gave me several kisses that night. Then our texts lead to another til we scheduled our date. I know I should say no, in the first place, Hayden is not my type. He’s tall, white, carrying extra weight on his body, had small oriental eyes. Next, he has a girlfriend but she’s away, she’s at their province I think. They had a long distance relationship. I went out with him because I thought it was just a friendly date, and I’m bored, I’ve been out from the playing field for eight months.

Man, I was wrong. Our date turned out to be a romantic one and because of that we became very close and our friends saw our closeness. Also I feel comfortable with Hayden, being in his arms feels like I’m safe and while he’s holding my hand it’s telling me that he cares. All of a sudden I’m falling for him but I should not especially that he’ll be back in his province for a vacation, back to his girlfriend. That time, I can still control my feelings for him, because he’s faraway and I know where I stand. I’m planning to get rid of him in my life when he comes back, I would tell him that we better stop what we are doing. But things didn’t work out that right. Since the class was over, we started looking for a job and often times we always been together. I’m not that into him before he came back, but now my feelings are coming back and I think I’m falling harder even though I know it’s wrong. Most of my friends told me that I should stay away from him that it’s not good what we are doing. But I did not listen. I found out that he and his girlfriend are not in good times. Until they broke up during his birthday, I’m not amazed to that news that because of me a couple broke up. Somehow, I fell hard for him after that incident. But he told me not to jump in a new relationship yet, I know he’s right because I don’t like to be his rebound. I’m willing to wait for him. There are times that he’s saying that he loves me but I’m already happy with that and I already said to him that I love him too. I did everything I could just to please him that time, just an insight of what he will have when I became his girlfriend. I even risk my bonding with my dad, because my dad is very strict with me, being the youngest member of our family and the only child he has in this house makes him protective with me. I don’t care that time if I will ever experience the princess treatment I had with my dad. In short, I’m willing to give up my conveniences I had just for Hayden. I go under stress discussing everything with my dad that I had almost cried every night to sleep. I badly want to spend my time with Hayden as much as possible to be able to make our relationship work especially now that he has job.

My friend and I found a solution to my problem that I should join an organization, in which there will come a time that I would be able to talk to my dad about my problems with him that he’ll be able to understand my feelings of being treated as a 12 year old girl not as 22 year old. I’ve gone to a different retreat; it’s not the usual retreat which is peaceful and calm. I endure the fear, embarrassment, pain and difficulties that cause me on those three days. I accomplished my goal to tell everything to my dad, but it wasn’t totally solved, it’s still hard for him to let go. But I pushed through that stressed him so much.

Hayden told me on the phone that on the next weekend after my retreat we’ll gonna claimed our graduation pictures and after that he wants to tell me something serious. I wonder about it but base on his voice and laughter, I thought that was positive on what he’ll go to tell. He even asked if I am excited, well just base on that why I will be excited on something bad. Saturday came, Hayden looked nervous and hesitant. After we claimed our photos we hang-out at ground floor and sat near the trees. He can’t speak right all he could do was to mumble words, smile and chuckled. When he gave me a clue, I asked him if he already had a girlfriend, he told me that he and his ex-girlfriend get back together last Sunday when I was in retreat. I decided to stop and finish everything. At first I had no reaction that I quickly accepted it that I didn’t asked him why he chooses to be with his girlfriend even though it’s hard for them to meet every weekend. When I leaved and settled for my friend’s house because it’s her birthday. That’s when I absorbed everything, that’s when I felt all the hurt that it should been there. I got so sad that I won’t be with Hayden anymore, that I won’t feel his hand on mine and his arms around me. Then that was the time I asked the question “What’s with her girlfriend that I don’t have?”

Everything happened to me hurts so bad. I’m so sad that I want to die that night luckily I didn’t went home, because if I find myself alone I will drank poison that time. I did everything and gave everything to Hayden but he never appreciated them that retreat was really for him that if my dad allows me to stay out most of the time I can spend most of my time with him. I got so desperate sometimes, that I think Hayden will come to me telling me that he made a mistake that he realized I’m the one he really loves and not his girlfriend, that it’s really over between him and that girl and he’s begging me to come back. I know it’s impossible to hope like that, but now half of me am dying that I can’t have Hayden. He has a big impact on me even though we had a very little time together. I hate to admit this but I still love him until now.